Saturday, November 17, 2007

Your Texas Rangers

And we welcomed our Texas Rangers. They could not pitch, and somewhere they forgot how to hit, but the city of Arlington, and Dallas and Ft. Worth for that matter, still loved them. They made bizarre decisions, calling triple steals, pitch outs with nobody on base. They intentially walked batters with the bases loaded. Shortstops were asked to pitch. Relief pitchers were made to play center field. A red calf was born one night in right field. There was crying and gnashing of teeth. A man named Charlie Hough was asked to throw 200 innings with only a knuckleball. A man named Jose Canseco was asked to pitch and destroyed the remainder of his career. Rafael Palmeiro was called before congress where he claimed he knew not of the existence of special vitamins, then tested positive for them. A man named Steve Buechelle was well loved and promptly traded. They made the playoffs three times and went 1 and 9. The players were sometimes drunk. The manager was rumored to be a member of the Illuminati. A funnel cloud formed during a game and set down less than a mile from the stadium. The stadium they played in was deemed inadequate. The fans in left field were drunk and yelled unpleasant comments at the visiting team. Someone paid $79 for a Nolan Ryan shirt. Cigarettes were distributed to children. One night in Cleveland, they won by forfeit when the crowd, driven to a frenzy by ten cent beer, demanded they be excommunicated from the Majors. A Korean was hired to remedy the situation, collected his pay, and vanished in a puff of smoke like a grand illusionist. People in Istanbul were horrified. Ron Darling was traded for some Trident chewing gum. Dave Stewart was told he could not pitch, and to consider a job as an eskimo. Children wept for 40 days and 40 nights. Sammy Sosa was traded for the chance to finish in second place. Harlod Baines asked what a baseball was before his final at bat. People in Florida thought baseball jolly fun and won two World series in less than fifteen years. Clouds formed in the west. Blood trails were seen in the water. Two starting pithcers combined for near forty wins in a season and were traded. The manager was blamed for the following season's disappointed. A mob executed him. A paranoid lunatic travels through time to the 1970s and screams at his players. An ace starting pitcher was playing so well he attacked a cameraman, challenging them to try his WuTang style. He is rewarded with a trade to a contender and a World Series appearance. And Ferguson Jenkins looks magnificent in his new spacesuit.

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