Friday, January 11, 2013

Hole Foods

So I went to Whole Foods, where groceries cost more, last night. The food was Whole. For some reason Whole Foods has started putting their soups in cartons instead of cans. I think this is some reaction to the bisphenol a concerns that have surfaced. Bisphenol A is the polycarbonate used in steel can linings. Supposedly, if you eat too much of it, you may have a vision of fiery steed riding across the sky, and the structures around you may turn to mushrooms. Anyway, the soup's in cartons. This is fine for the broth, which has a pour spout, but crappy for the prepared soups, due to the difficulty in getting the carton open. For some reason, after you lift the flap, making it look slightly like a carton of milk, you are supposed to squeeze the sides. Or, rather, the directions say squeeze the sides. (Spoiler alert: do not squeeze the sides, the instructions are horseshit.) You are then, while squeezing the sides at 4 marked points, somehow supposed to tear along a line running along the top flap of the carton. Doing this with one hand is impossible, with 2 it's difficult. WARNING: DO NOT FUCKING SQUEEZE THE SIDES, SQUEEZING THE SIDES IS A LIE! Anyway, just tear along the line, and you won't slosh soup all over yourself. See? The new cartons are tear friendly. ELEDERLY PEOPLE, DO NOT SHOP AT WHOLE FOODS, YOU WILL STARVE TO DEATH DUE TO THEIR SADISTIC PACKAGING METHODS. After you slosh the soup on yourself, you may be able to pick the vegetable bits off yourself and the unsanitary counter you haven't cleaned in awhile, and eat them. I am considering laying the carton on the counter next time and slicing a hole in the side. Or, there is always good old fashioned Campbell's with Bisphenol A. This concludes my thoughts on my exciting Thursday night. The rest of the night I listened to music and watched a fox eat marshmallows in a youtube video.


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