Wednesday, February 06, 2013


So, I am using a chromebook now, which looks like it is made of chrome. It’s not really made of chrome, it just looks like it. I’ve been using it for about a week now, and the experience has been pleasant so far. One of the claims some reviews I read of the product made was that you must be connected to the internet to use a chromebook. This is a lie. I am using a chomebook right now, sitting on a DART train, tapping away happily, with a 17 year old girl staring at me. Maybe she’s staring at me because I have a booger hanging from my nose. But even though she is staring at me, with a booger hanging from my nose, I am not connected to the internet and I am using Google Docs in the Chrome Web browser to type this important message. One of the things I like about chrome OS is it’s light, meaning theres less shit inside of it and it will boot faster. When I pop the clamshell chromebook open I get to the login in about 10 seconds. Cool! Some people would think buying a chromebook is stupid, when you could get a windows laptop for 350 to 400 dollars. You can do alot of stuff in windows, but there is all kinds of shit inside of it that gets fucked up the longer you use it and makes the computer take a long ass fucked up time to boot. Then fucked up things start happening, and when you tell the computer to shut down, it just gets fucked up and starts making sounds and a blue ring appears on your screen and it spins forever and ever. Sitting on a bench directly to my right is a man with an LG android smartphone and what looks like the muffler to a motorcycle. That’s the strange sort of day it has been so far. Anyway, chromebooks. The battery life is pretty good, not as good as an iPad, maybe 6.5 hours, however you get a physical keyboard. Performance is good, and you get Adobe flash via some chrome OS or chrome browser magic. It charges pretty dang fast too. I can’t tell you what the difference between chrome OS and chrome browser are, other than one is an operating system that functions primarily through the chrome browser, and the other is the chrome browser, available on most any operating system (Windows, Linux, iOS, Android, etc.). Chrome OS has linux as its kernal, which is like a tiny kernal of corn sitting on top of the processor. Linux is an operating system that a crazy Finnish socialist named Linus Torvalds came up with to fuck everything in the technology industry up. Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft, and el commandante in chief of the Windows Manifesto Project, has tried to kill Linus on 7 seperate occasions, strangely 3 times with a poison dart gun. Nobody knows why he favors the poison dart gun. Chrome OS has some of those shitty online web games you can play for 10 minutes when you’re waiting in the dentist office to have a root canal, like angry birds for example. Angry birds is now available for the microwave in your kitchen. If you are heating your lean cuisine fettucini alfredo dinner, why not play some angry birds while you wait the 4 and a half minutes. But where Chrome really shines is in how much time you can waste surfing the web. As I mentioned earlier, Chrome has a badass Chrome browser inside it, and that’s a good thing, because its the only way to do anything in Chrome OS. If you thought you could put one of your old Atari 2600 cartridges in the SD card reader it has in the side, you are fucked. They aren’t compatible with this platform. Chrome, as a browser, is in a war for my mind with Firefox. Shit flies up on the screen and appears all fast and slick in chrome, and using the great big URL bar at the top to do web search suits my browsing habits. Now for a live update on my use of this device. I have been typing all this shit offline up to this point, and its been saving it all inside the 16GB solid state drive. Then, I got off the train, walked across the street, sat down at the bar, ordered dinner, and connected to the wi-fi. It was too badass to even believe, and the drunk people gawked at me like I was an ignorant grade school monkey. The document got uploaded to the Google drive, and the drive has the copy of this important essay. See? That’s how easy it is. So Google Chrome may be a flavor you may consider tasting, as it is coming in most flavors now. The one I am using is the Chocolate Samsung flavor, but it comes in Lenovo Vanilla and Acer C7 Chocolate Mint, and soon, a particularly weird Hewlett-Packard Rocky Road. Alot of the people considering a device like this will probably opt for an iPad instead, which is cool, because you can play Angry Birds on that too. So don’t get all bent out of shape about it or anything, they are just computers and exist to fuck up your life and make it more interesting. As William Burroughs noted, “Rational thought is a failed experiment and should be phased out.”


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