Sunday, December 11, 2005

On Technology

“Everybody, it’s a good thing.

Everybody, wants a good thing,

Everybody, ain’t it true that,

Everybody’s looking for the same thing?”


Technology is now so cheap that people can afford a technology for very little money. Why, just the other day I added the technology of Mattel electronic football to my technology horde. In Mattel electronic football you guide a sequence of red LED lights down a screen, left to right, endlessly, until you increase a numerical score. To help you imagine that these red led lights are football players, they have painted a football field onto the screen. And the packaging has drawings of life like football players drawn on it. This may be too much for people with active imaginations, and you may have to set the console down and return to reality. Deep breathing and sedatives may help.
How can people deny the reality of progress when we have technologies like this to help us experience the excitement of professional football?

There is no retro. There are only technologies.

Now we have cellular phone technologies that can perform the functions of computers. We have cell phones that go in your ear. Directly in your ear so you can drive and communicate with people, directly! And if you kill someone while in the midst of an exciting conversation about your stock portfolio, the person on the other end can experience the sound of a high speed collision, and possibly record your last words or wishes as you lose consciousness, as you are crushed under the weight of the tractor trailor lodged in the canopy of your car. I am very excited.

Other new technologies include non-lethal weapons that emit specific frequencies of sound that cause the enemy soldiers to shit themselves, non-lethal biological agents that causes the enemy to shit themselves, and new forms of nuclear weapons that will cause us all to shit ourselves in fear.

Hey, why is the military so preoccupied with making people shit themselves?

When we learn more about the technologies that will make our lives easier, we will all have more time to search for new technologies.

Hey, this blogging thing is a new technology. People are communicating in new ways. Perhaps they will finally achieve the dream of becoming the media. We will see.

“They tell us that
We lost our tails
Evolving up
from little snails
I say it’s all
Just wind in sails
Are we not men?
We are Devo!”