Thursday, July 16, 2009

No Tour!

Boy am I annoyed. I heard about the big Michael Jackson show at the Staples center and I called Ticketmaster to hook me up with tickets, and it turns out he's not coming to Dallas. Seriously, WTF? Dallas isn't big enough for the King of Pop?

Poem Beauty in the Sky

There is beauty in the sky on high
On high in the sky
There is beauty
On high, the sky, the sky
There is beauty in the sky on high
on high
In the sky
Out of the sky,
Comes a Lockheed Martin/Boeing F-22 Raptor, a fifth generation fighter aircraft that uses stealth technology, firing its M61A2 Vulcan cannon. It cuts a huge swath of desctruction along the ground, cars exploding in flames, shells smashing through brick walls and detonating inside houses. A terrorist comes screaming out of his house, his AK-47, pumping rounds wildly into the air as he shouts out curses at the offending aircraft. The pilot makes a wonderful barrel roll, and banks back around, releasing two 500 pound bombs and vaporizing the terrorist in a ball of fire.

There is beauty in the sky, on high,
There is beauty in the sky.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Pittsburgh Morse Code

Since 1929, a beacon on the Grant Building has flashed out, in Morse Code, the name of its home city, Pittsburgh. Recently a graduate student waiting to see the July 4th fireworks noticed that it was not flashing out the letters of the city, but instead was flashing out "FUCK YOU DALLAS WE NOW HAVE SIX SUPER BOWL TITLES AND YOU HAVE FIVE."

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Big Victory

Thank you for all the congratulations and well wishing I've received after my big win yesterday at the beauty contest.

Thursday, July 09, 2009


After receiving some angry emails, I have to apologize. In my previous posts I referred to the dancer who died just recently as Michael Johnson. He is in fact Michael Jackson, a well known rap artist who scored a major success with his hit gangster rap album Killer in the 1980s, which sold over 100 billion copies. He then went on to win gold in the 200 and 400 meter dash at the Olympic games in 1996. Here he is taking gold in '96.

This is unbelievable. On the front of the Killer album he looks like he weighs about 100 pounds, and here he's put on at least 90 pounds of muscle. I think its pretty clear he used steroids.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Billy Mays Funeral

Billy Mays had a touching funeral service with his pallbearers wearing handsome Oxi-Clean blue shirts as they sent him off on his final broadcast. The pallbearers all gave the media a big thumbs up after delivering his casket to the church. Because of Billy Mays, people drunk or on acid at 2A.M. will turn on their televisions and see someone selling them a food dehydrator.

In other news, it turns out the name of the dancer who died is Michael Johnson, and they had his funeral at the Staples Center in L.A. All kinds of minor celebrities were they, and the service featured crying children. Sounds like it was in the worst possible taste.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Billy Mays News

The death of media giant and genius Billy Mays continues to send shock waves through the world. And yet, there has been no follow up to the official explanation that he simply died of heart disease. I believe there needs to be a follow up autopsy and additional toxicology tests.

Posting more information on the suspicious circumstances of his death has been problematic due to the news sites being clogged with headlines of the coinciding death of some dancer who did commercials in the 1980s.